How Many New Paltzers Does It Take to Screw in a Lightbulb?

Actually, the question should be: How Many Steps Does It Take...

Our house came with sconces outside of each door. We rarely use them. The front door sconce is easy to open, so when the bulbs blew last summer, it was a matter of minutes before they were replaced. The side door sconce is another story. In fact, it might as well be on another story, because changing the bulbs required a ladder. Strangely, it also required a vacuum cleaner.

I had been meaning to change these bulbs for some time, but last week I realized that it was going to be an involved process and that the process would involve daylight. I would have preferred a warm, sunny day, but I settled for 21 degrees and clouds.

It was only when I'd unscrewed the two screws atop the sconce that I noticed that there was bug detritus -- dead flies, eggs, wings -- all around the base of the bulbs. Simply replacing the bulbs might have led to a short circuit or other problems, so the situation called for a vacuum cleaner, meaning that I'd have to operate a vacuum from the top of a ladder that was resting on several inches of snow.

Normally, the changing of a lightbulb requires these steps:
1. Remove old bulb
2. Replace with new bulb

My operation was a bit more complex:

1. Acquire ladder from our nearby shed; place beside door
2. Grab screwdriver from kitchen shelf; place in pocket
3. Ascend ladder
4. Remove 2 screws from sconce

5. Place sconce on handrail of stairs
6. Remove bulbs
7. Descend ladder; discard old bulbs
8. Grab vacuum cleaner; reascend ladder
9. Remove doo-hickey around light fixture; vacuum. Repeat two more times

10. Descend ladder again; put down vacuum cleaner
11. Grab new bulbs; reascend ladder

12. Screw in new bulbs
13. Replace sconce top
14. Replace sconce screws
15. Replace ladder in shed
16. Replace vacuum cleaner in house.

Of course, because I couldn't even remember using this light, I had to check that it was working as soon as I'd replaced the first bulb, meaning that there were at least two more steps in this process. The above list is just a shorthand for my next bulb-changing.

This Post Cost $152 (or, How Not to Drive up My Hill)

Last night, I spent $152 to get my car from point A, about 300 yards from my house, to point B, my house. In fact, I really only needed to move the car about 3 yards; that is, from point A to point A-point-zero-zero-one.

The car got stuck on a slight uphill in the vicinity of my our neighbor as I drove home last night. Owing to slick conditions -- it was still raining, and there was slush and ice on our road -- I could not safely drive faster than about 10 mph as I went over our bridge. I walked home and explained that I was going to dry some traction sand (that's the two bucks) and also might try putting on one of our new Autosocks. Autosocks are tire covers made of Kevlar and other strong materials; they're designed to help you drive in slick conditions. The problem is that the company hadn't yet sent the small ones for my Smart Car, so I decided to try the larger size socks intended for our other cars. This is not advisable.

The socks worked great, but one of them got stuck inside the wheel near the axle. I could drive, but I couldn't drive fast or else I'd cause my own car fire. As a fireman, it would be even more embarrassing that usual if the fire department arrived to put out a car fire only to discover that I had started it. I took the car to our garage and paid Farooge $20 to remove the sock. As expected, the sock was torn, and since you can't just order one of them, I have to buy a new pair, costing $100. So far I'm out $122.

Shirra was hoping to go to her Pilates class this morning. In fact, she was counting on it. But owing to my confusing plans, she had to take the kids to school instead of relying on me. That brought the total to $152.

Follow-up:

When I arrived at Shirra's store an hour after writing the above post, there was a box waiting for me. It was the Autosocks for my Smart Car. They'd arrived yesterday but were given to the owner of a neighboring store. He normally brings things over right away, but Shirra's store was closed yesterday. Ah well.

Let's Take It to the Bridge

On Thursday afternoon, the rusted metal pipe that created a culvert under our bridge finally gave out. Its collapse created a large hole -- just about the size of my Smart Car (tho luckily I'm only guessing this and didn't find this out the hard way!). Shirra was lucky enough to get ahold of our road guy, Tim, and he was over in less than a half hour. Shortly thereafter, we had a bandaid in place of the real work to come, but at least it allowed us to cross the bridge again.

But then yesterday, while taking the kids to Woodstock, I noticed that a hole had reappeared. Since we don't have a culvert, the large stones that Tim put down are only going to wash away as they're buffeted by the gentle tide of the lake and the not-so-gentle pounding of heavy automobiles. I put a pylon into the hole as a warning to other drivers, but by the time we'd returned, the pylon had been almost completely swallowed up as the hole enlarged. At this point, I could probably get the Smart Car past it, but I'd rather not take the risk. Shirra and I are simply walking past the hole to where our cars await us on the other side.

We're hoping to have a new culvert soon -- and we're running out of time! The forecast calls for snow this Thursday. This isn't the best timing. With any luck, we'll have a few estimates by tomorrow and will have the work done by Wednesday or Thursday. If not.... Well, life could get even more interesting.

Trapped in Manhattan

There was an ice storm warning, so I expected this might happen: It was too dangerous for me to drive home, so I had to sleep over at my mom's (which is also where I tutor).

I realized around midnight that my car was on the 'wrong' side for tomorrow and would have to be moved by 11 am, so I decided to take care of that just now rather than in the morning. Since it's the country's (world's?) smallest production car, I knew that it wouldn't be too hard to find a spot nearby, but this time I managed to wedge the car into the smallest space it's been squeezed into since the summer.
I have maybe three inches, total, of wiggle room.







Of course, as soon as I got out of the car, I noticed this cute little tomato just behind me:



It was only on my way home that I realized... I didn't have to move the car at all; I'm taking it to the dealer tomorrow morning to get snow tires. D'oh!

Smart Car after 20,000 Miles

Well, I made it to 20K before the snow hit; who knows what's going to happen with that car in the next few months. Will I be able to drive it up our path? The highway? Time will tell. Actually, I'm most afraid of Rte 32 -- that's the only place a nasty head-on collision could occur. Ironic that the highway is much safer than a two-lane road in a rural place.

I had some electrical hiccups with Cheewawa, as I've come to call my car, and I had to take the car in recently for its 20,000-mile check-up anyway, so I was hoping that they could take care of the routine maintenance and the minor repairs at the same time. At first they thought I had a problem with one of the electrical components called a SAM, but replacing the SAM didn't help. Then they blamed the alternator. But before they put the car up on the lift again, they tested the battery and discovered that it was faulty. A simple battery change was all I needed. Now the car runs like a dream.

I'm still getting excellent mileage, tho it definitely diminishes with the decreasing temperature. Normally I get about 47 miles to a gallon, but lately I've been hovering more around 42-44. Partly this is due to the wind -- it was ferocious yesterday and for part of today, and the car had to fight just to roll down the hill.

I've added a small armrest in the car (it doesn't reach out as far as I'd like, but it adds a bit of storage) and put in a 6-CD changer, which helps with those books-on-CD, but otherwise the car is basically unmodified. My next alteration, however, is for safety: snow tires. I'm putting them on this week! Gotta have a safe Cheewawa!

All Tucked in for Winter

My Smart Car is not the ideal car for winter driving. It might do ok on snow, but I'm not sure I want to be driving that little thing on highways with huge trucks passing me by, and in some ways I'm even more scared of driving on Rt 32, where head-on collisions are a rare but terrifying prospect. Even our road is going to be a hazard -- it's unpaved, and there are tricky patches and some hills. So I might have to keep the car under wraps for a few weeks now and then when the weather tells me to.

The previous owners of our house used to have a garage. For some reason that I still don't understand, they converted it to a shed. I noticed, however, that the Smart Car is just narrow enough to fit under the porch of the shed. By backing it in carefully, I can keep the car from getting covered in snow. I'm not sure if this is ever going to prove helpful, but it certainly has proved cute. I like how it looks like a guinea pig in a hutch.











Emmett's guinea pig, Snowball...

Smart Firemen

I was walking around Main Street when I spotted another Smart Car in New Paltz, and the driver was heading towards Shirra's store. I caught up with him and chatted for awhile. It turns out that he's also a fire fighter (as is his wife) -- I had noticed the little plate on the front of his car -- and that he lives in Woodstock.

A few days later I was shopping when I noticed his car in the parking lot. I didn't manage to spot the owner, but I got a cute shot of our cars side by side. I am jealous of his yellow -- that's an awesome color!

When Shirra and I first moved to New Paltz, I experienced a lot of coincidences, like how our next-door neighbor's son was born in the same hospital on the same day or how my long-lost best friend from childhood ended up moving to NP a few years ahead of us and has a son in our son's class. I'm glad the coincidences have continued -- it makes life more interesting.

Baloonacy

The Macy*s Day Parade is insane enough, but the festivities of the balloon-inflating day have gotten out of control.

Near the end of the previous millennium, things were different. A person could walk from my mom's apartment building, cross the street, pick up some food at the local Somewhat Original Ray's Pizza, and head back home. Elapsed time: 10 minutes on a slow day. And you didn't even need proof of your address or a party invitation! Shirra remembers an evening back in 1994 when we visited her friend Eileen a few blocks away for her big annual Turkey Eve party. We hustled over, hung about for a couple hours, and made our way back, noting how some of the balloons were a bit more inflated when we returned than when we'd left.

Just a few years later, however, the thing had gone viral. Blame word of mouth, blame the more-bored-than-usual media, blame the police, but when thousands of people started to make the balloon inflation into some kind of party event, the infotainment reporters arrived along with the police barricades, and that was the end of that. It took us more than ten minutes just to walk one block downtown on Columbus with Fiona in the stroller -- a mistake we never made again -- and pretty much took Eileen's party off our to-do list forevermore. At that was only 1998.

Here is a photo someone took of my mom's block last year. I imagine someone -- someone staying in a hotel -- saying, "Ooh! Isn't that Shrek? What's he doing here, that big green silly! I can't believe I'm standing so close to greatness!"

And now things are totally out of control. Shirra was blocked from passing thru one of the barricades because some rookie cop thought that she and the kids were just sightseers pretending to live on 81st Street. Direction-barkers are still making announcements to balloon workers at 11pm, and as I was putting the kids to bed in my old room (the one that faces the street), we could hear bands playing jaunty music to late-night revelers who came to watch -- oh, joy! -- the commingling of helium, painted rubber, and thousands of sandbags.

Breaking and Entering a Car (in order to rescue the inhabitants during an emergency)

This past Monday, we had a great fire fighter practice ("evolution" for those of you new to FF jargon). It involved using several tools including the Jaws of Life to open a car.


You first have to hook up the JoL to a portable generator about the size (and strength) of my car's engine; actually, this thing is a bit bigger, about the size of a fat briefcase. Clever, interchangeable cords allow quick swapping-out of various tools depending on whether you need to pry things open, smoosh them together, or cut them apart.

This is basically what the car will look like when the FFs are done with the extrication evolution. That's not our guys or the car we used -- I didn't get around to taking a photo of it -- but this picture gives you the basic idea.

One good point to make: Even tho the JoL is pretty easy to set up and is extremely effective, it's still better to try the car's doors first, just in case!

OK, that's a lame joke. Obviously that method doesn't work when people are trapped. In fact, as the photo shows, sometimes you actually have to cut away the roof and pry away the dashboard in order to extricate passengers. Cars these days are made to protect passengers by crumpling (relatively) safely around them. That's why modern cars involved in anything above a fender-bender are usually considered 'totaled'. This is still a lot better than the old days: The cars could withstand a solid impact, but the passengers didn't always look too good afterwards.

Spicy Prices

Short version: Don't buy spices at the supermarket if you have an alternative like a health food store.
Moral: Sometimes a cell phone pays for itself.

Shirra sent me on an errand just before Turkey Day. She wants to make a few pies before Thursday's festivities. On the list were four spices:

Nutmeg
Cloves
Ginger
Cinnamon

Stop 'N' Shop price for these four items: $35

This seemed a tad high -- nutmeg ain't cheap, but hey! -- so I gave Shirra a call. She suggested I try the health food store next door, the one with the odd sign. Is it "Healthy Nutrition"? "Health / Nutrition"? Maybe the carrot stands for an ampersand? Or perhaps it's just a carrot: "Health Carrot Nutrition".

Whatever the name, I like their prices. I bought what seemed like a fair amount of all four of the spices. Grand total: $1.47.

Reading in the Car

Since I am in the car for nearly 4 hours a day, I have to make the most of my time there in order to keep away the demons of boredom and sloth. Initially I found myself listening to music, but I don't really have a large selection on my iPod, so this quickly became monotonous. Next I discovered podcasts, and I tried to keep up with the latest news and other NPR programming thru this medium, and for the most part, it was entertaining and enlightening. I even tried the first 25 episodes of a wonderful program of Radio Lingua where I hoped to teach myself Spanish, but I realized, months later, that this would require some home-study, and I don't have time for that, so my Spanish education stagnated. Finally I remembered that our local library has a selection of books on CD.

This started when Shirra pointed out that we had an audio version of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." I gobbled up that book and quickly ventured over to the library. In less than two months, I've devoured audio books at a rate of about two per week. Without further ado, my list so far:

1. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams). Hysterical.

2. Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar (Cathcart). Very funny; a great source of jokes, most of which were new to me.

3. Blaze (Steven King). Similar to "Of Mice and Men" but from the viewpoint of the retarded man.
4. Carrie (King). Awesome -- much better than the movie. Sissy Spacek read the book version, by the way.
5. The Gunslinger. Not my cuppa.

6. the curious incident of the dog in the night-time (Mark Haddon). I had read this book 3 times and still love the story enough to hear it again.

7. Bare Bones (Kathy Reichs). This is the first book in the series that led to the "Bones" show on TV. It was a fun read but is quite different from the television series.

8. Undead and Unreturnable (Davidson). This was an ultra-hip book about the modern vampire; quite sexy.

9-12. The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency (Andrew McCall Smith). I've now listened to five of the books in this wonderful series, tho not in order. The books stand alone and are just as fun out of sequence. I think the best of the bunch is "Blue Shoes and Happiness, which is one of the later ones.

Who knew that driving could make a person so literate?

Smart Car: First 50 Fillups

I've now filled the car with gas on just over 50 occasions. I've recorded each visit to the pump:

miles driven
gallons replaced
price per gallon
date

What I've learned thus far is that the car, the way I drive it, has averaged nearly 45 miles per gallon, with the first 20 tanks averaging about 42 and the next 30 averaging about 46 mpg. I tend to get nearly 320 miles between fillups, with two tanks taking me over 400 miles and quite a few getting me about 365 (and keep in mind that the tank only holds 8.7 gallons). The average cost of a gallon has come out to over $4 due to the high costs we all incurred over the summer, but my last fillup, yesterday, came in at only $2.98 for 93 octane.

My car has its faults, and they seem to be related to the electrics. The brights flicker, and while I rarely use them, it's always annoying when I do. I've also had some similar problems with the radio/CD player turning itself off and on again. Undoubtedly there is a loose wire. Worse yet is the driver-side door latch that fails when the car is too hot, but since it's now the chilly season, I can have this fixed before it affects me again.

I'm thrilled about the car, on the whole, and can't imagine a better way to get into Manhattan. It's faster, door-to-door, than the bus (even tho I drive only about 57 mph while buses usually zoom by at about 73) and it's a lot cheaper. Taking the bus is about $140 roundtrip per week. Gas for the car comes to less than half that amount.

No Pressure, No Pressure

It's all good when it comes to our water.

First we suffered thru a few days of grey water. This problem quickly went away when the contractors repaired the pipe they'd accidentally axed. Then even better news: As a result of their recent work, the contractors noticed and fixed a problem with our water pressure.

Time was, we could take a shower or wash our laundry, but not both at once. But now we have enough water for both at the same time. Woo hoo!

Now maybe we can get the to dig a bit deeper.... Maybe they'll find oil!

Fire Prevention Week, 2008 Edition

Once again it was Fire Prevention week, and as I hope I can do for the rest of my life, I signed up for all five days. The timing is perfect for me since all of our school visits take place from 9:30-11, and even with the necessary clean-up and after care, we're still free long before I need to be in NYC for the afternoon. But the main draw for me is getting to be in schools and day care centers with little kids once again. I'll never outgrow that.

The big days for some are when we visit the big schools (Duzine and Lenape) which put us in front off over a thousand lower schoolers all told. The lieutenant does an outstanding job teaching the kids all of the important points, and clearly they love his presentation. I really enjoy seeing Emmett with all of his friends. My favorite school visits, however, are those we make to the small day care centers. It may seem challenging to perform in front of 170 third graders, but it can be equally challenging to get up in front of 15 tots while the air is infused with a bulging Diaper Genie. It's funny how diapers are harder to withstand once your own kids are out of them.

Trickier than the smell is the challenge of teaching little ones about fire safety without causing them to freak out. Last year it seemed that many of the children became upset when they saw the fire fighter disappear into an face mask as we demonstrated what we look like when we go 'on air.' This is important since kids need to recognize the looks and sounds of a fully geared-up fire fighter, but it's hard for little kids to understand that the nice person standing up in front of them is still there when the mask comes on. Psychologists call this 'object permanence.' Shirra suggested that one of the fire fighters enter the room while on air, as this had apparently worked with Emmett's 3's class back in Brooklyn, but we seemed to get the same results either way: Most kids were fine, and a few were a bit scared.

In addition to helping kids recognize what a fire fighter looks like, our main role is to teach the children about fire, smoke, smoke alarms, meeting places outside the home, and other safety tips. But the part of the day that they might remember best is when we let them sit in the fire truck.

Tomorrow is our last day of this year's safety week. I'll miss the time spent with the little kids and will be looking forward to October of 2009.

Water, Water Everywhere, and Not a Drop to Drink

I haven't written in a bit too long -- darn, that unicycle elbow -- but even if I have to peck this one out with the index finger of my right hand, this one is just too rural to wait until my tendinitis has fully abated. This is a blog, after all, about moving to New Paltz and about what surprises await those who make that move.

The economy may be tanking, but my mom managed to secure the last loan from some bank just before it went under. I imagine some huge, dying dragon getting out the word "approved" just before snorting its last fiery breath. Cash in hand, she paid off a few big debts of her own and lent me enough to fix up our cottage. The previous owners had canabilized the water and gas pipes when they built the newer house a few years ago. Since they were landscapers, this trick saved them a few thousand dollars but ended up costing us more than we could float on our own, and since that time, we've used the cottage as storage and as a place to set up Fiona's drum set. It's been home to spiders, insects, and a few snakes, but now, after nearly two years of dormancy, the old house is about to come back to life.

We hired a couple of really good local men to install the pipes and give the cottage a kitchen once again, and they began work this past week. Yesterday we got a big surprise when Shirra flushed the toilet and discovered that the water looked worse afterwards. It was pure grey, the color of a liquid hairball. Even our Britta filter didn't make an improvement. Running the sink for a few minutes didn't help things, either, and Shirra's trip to the basement didn't lead to any answers. When we checked with the men, we learned that one of them had accidentally put an ax thru a pipe. I'm not sure what had contaminated our well water for a day, but it's all better now. The Dow Jones may have fallen back into the 8000s, but we can drink our own water once again. Phew.