I Led the Pigeons

For complicated reasons having to do with McCarthy, the Knights of Columbus, various presidents, and some flag salesmen who wanted to drum up more business, kids in most public schools have been compelled to say (or at least hear) a daily Pledge of Allegiance since 1892. This rubs many of us parents the wrong way, tho apparently not the majority. One reason is obvious while another is so subtle that I feel like I'm the only one who has ever realized it. The third reason has to do with global competition.

Wrong-Way Rub #1
Primarily the Pledge offends me with its deific reference, reinforcing the idea that the sanctity, safety, and success of our country have something to do with a supernatural being. In fact the phrase 'under God' was added as a response to the godless commies of the McCarthy era and under pressure from the Knights of Columbus and other religious types. Without those two words, I'd have only two problems with the Pledge.

Wrong-Way Rub #2
What the hell does it mean? Ok, all of us adults can figure it out, but I remember having to recite it at camp three decades ago and wondering about many of the words. Pledge: Isn't that the stuff you polish wood with? Allegiance? Republic? Indi-something-or-other? What do those mean? And who the hell is Richard Stands?

Rub #3
It only takes 15 seconds to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. But since it means nothing to the people reciting it, why not replace it with a quick run thru the 3s and 4s time-tables? For a country so obsessed with test scores, it seems odd to waste time on a daily basis; those meaningless polysyllables weigh in at 45 minutes a year and nearly five hours thruout elementary school. I'd much rather see that time spent memorizing Shakespeare sonnets or Romantic poems.

I dissected the Pledge for my kids, explaining it to them before offering up the version that I recited at camp. They jumped right onto that idea, and now each of them recites our homemade version everyday:

I led the pigeons
To the bag
Of the untidy states of Tomato-ah
And toothy republican Richard Stands,
One ancient wonder-cod,
Individual,
With flibberty and gibbets till Fall.

I'm not entirely sure how Tomato-ah happened, but the kids swear by it (literally). Shirra and I contributed some of the trickier bits like the ancient wonder-cod. The funny thing is that altho the kids mock the Pledge on a daily basis, they could be the only children in both lower-school buildings who know what it's supposed to mean.

One day, Emmett told us that he'd made a new friend; let's call him Richard Stands. He knew Richard was a cool kid when he told him his version of the poem and Richard admitted that his was also a non-Pledge family. A few days later, it fell to Emmett to lead the class in the Pledge. He explained that this involved standing up in front of the class while everyone recited. I asked him if he recited the real version (which he doesn't know), but he told us he'd merely said his usual tribute to the bagged pigeons. His mom and I were so proud! Our little iconoclast!